Half-Past 2AM

Accidently I opened up the old notes that I wrote exactly 1 year and 10 months ago at this quiet yet muggy midnight (Yea... typical Malaysia weather)... and  it's half past 2am now... (after doing some revision for the current surgery posting stuffs...) physically the body is ready to sleep earlier than the usual for the early procedure-observation slots in the morning... but the mind just can't resist to rewind back to the time when we're together... 3years+ back... the time that we were so "naive", "innocent", yet active and "playful"... (LOL... as if we're so mature and elder now? gahhh... baaahhh... buuu... buuu... buuuuuuuuu......... )

Hmmm... thinking of how we actually started our relationship at the 1st place... hmmm... we were just passed our final exams in 1st year... ... ... ...
... ... ...then... then... after that...
and then... ... ... I was just back from my 1st post-MBBS trip at Kuching,Sarawak with 30+ of my cute-yet-lovely batchmates during the semester break... huuuh... haaa... ... ... with a sudden event that happened during the trip... a sad one... ... ... ... but your existence at my side that time... sweet... so sweet the memories... it's just like... the sugar level of the diabetic patients whose level of HbA1c are over-over-over-exceeding the normal range...or the level of sugar that can't even be detected by the glucometer and required admission urgently...

Leaned against me and I hugged you gently... in our young yet sweety age... watching the sunset... not really a beautiful one... but with you in the arms... You're like everything I want and more... Love you truly... I want nothing more than that...
a sweety teenage time... with no much worries... with such a daringness... we're kinda-shy actually... yet we're brave... the warm yet misty air on the windows... the rainy raining days... the cups of green tea... the congested traffics on the federal highway... the kind yet generous tauke-soh that treated us with some nice delicious dishes sometimes... the OOC driving skills of mine... the campus road... hitting the road-divider... ouchhh... little green car shouted... but was still protecting us...

I don't have much to offer... but I promised in my heart, you can get the best of me... forever doesn't last... but I try my best to make it last with you... Our small, stupid conversation... which mean so much more to me than you'll ever know...

My biggo-ego-megoeiness... my buffalo-stubbornness... my jealousy... I get mad... I get worried... jumbo-mumbo-limbo-bimbo... ... ...over-protective... but I trust... I really care...

Young boy me, too young us... so immature in handling the issues & situations...
Failed communication...
We cried...

Acted like never known each other before, the stupid me said "Hi"... "May I know you sweet pretty?" "Mind for me to treat you a dinner?" @___@ "Can you be mine?" Like a siao-siao's schezophrenic, I asked you... *LOL... this was terribly mad...*

"Stay, bu-she-de... " I need you***
Hiding in the room corner alone... off the room light... without sound... afraiding housemies to know that I cry... then turned keep smiling, reading the message that you send later on... burst laughing covering my tuala on face and ran out from room to washroom... lol... cleaned my face and cubit the cheek... wooopppsss... so pain...

It had been year plus half... the summer had gone... everything has gone suddenly at the same time... 21st year in my life... the 2nd pro-final... with some blessings... luckily...

Not knowing to give up or wait... then I choose let go as the 3rd option... I mean... fake smile, real tears but head up, live with it. Afraid to tell you. Then I keep a distance. I never am...

Scared of losing you... but as the going said "if two people are happy, leave them alone."... if somethign bound to happen, it will happen. Right time, right person, best reason.

It's not where we are in life anymore, but what we have by side.
Hold on. Leave it to where it will be and should be. Thankful for the people who never left.

It's not not realising it. It's just not telling you. The tinnitus were just ringing. I've said it before to you, never forever but a little bit more...
Babbling like a child. Peek-a-boo with you.

Anxious of strangers yet seeing and picking up hundreds and thousands... Simplicity yet it's not simple at all. Scared of getting too close to anyone. The hope's up then I will watch it down. The thoughts can't decode.
*Philicphobia*

I still hope but I never expect. Listen to what I mean.










  

过路

再过2天，就是大学生涯里最后一次的合唱比赛。。。最后一次和在医学院里面对了快5年的同期系友们一起组队参赛的合唱（我们这一支队伍的平均年龄也该是这么多队伍中最老的吧。。。）


而这个晚上呢。。。一如既往般，我从大学校园外位于大学塔所租的房子，依循一贯的路线，途经大学医院的停尸房，过大学医院，再经医学院到达位于学生宿舍，我们合唱队伍的练习场地去练歌。


排歌前，队伍里，我们系友之间免不了的会高谈阔论一番，大家分享各自在不同部门所发生的事情。


其中一位目前在产科部门的系友就分享了他在前几天晚上的遭遇 ：


那一个晚上，这一位系友就和其他两位系友（一位是华裔。一位是巫裔）到产房去值岗。。。途经东塔，还未到达产科大楼时，突然有一名妇女，朝着这位系友走过来。该名妇女约莫中年，头发已经剃光。该名中年妇女走到系友面前后，就问我的系友：“你认得我吗？”

系友（有点纳闷）答道：“嗯。。。非常抱歉，我不认得你耶。。。”

中年妇女：“你是杨先生吗？你是杨先生吗？”

系友（我的该名系友不姓杨）：“嗯。。。我不是。。。”

当时候，该名系友是和另一位华裔系友先行一步途经东塔的，另一位巫裔系友随后才到。该名巫裔系友到达时，正巧是该名中年妇女在讯问系友是否是杨先生后，系友正在回答着该名中年妇女。

巫裔系友：“哎？你们怎么还在东塔这儿驻留着谈天的？”

系友转过来回答：“不是啊。。。刚才有位妇女在问话啊。。。”

巫裔系友：“嗌？刚才还有别人吗？”

系友转回去时，哎？该名中年妇女已经不在了。

那一晚的一场小插曲，系友们也就继续到产房去值岗。

老子-李耳在《道德经》里：

“湛兮！似或存。”

“天下万物生于有，有生于无。”

原来。。。不过是那个晚上的一位过路人。。。 =）

人性本无善恶。可以如孟子所说人性本善，也可以如荀子所说的人性本恶。或者，所谓善恶，也不过是种对人自身的考验而已。

在古老的过去，人们大多都相信神的存在，相信自己的一举一动都逃不过神的眼睛。大多人都知道要与人为善。受苦时，西方社会大多会有这事自己的罪的看法，东方社会大多会觉得是自己过去积累的孽债。那样的社会里，善有善报，恶有恶报的事情会更多的在现实生活中得到体现。因为人们相信，心地善良，也就“配得上”看到宇宙的真实现实。

而现今，越来越多的人都被这个物质世界的假象所迷惑，但善恶相报的原理，我相信，依然仍是我们做人该有的法则。相信做好事有福报的人，有的认为是在积德，今生或来世会有福报；有的人做好事也没有怎么想到今后的福报，只觉做好胸心情坦荡，心情开朗。做坏事的人当然不信（也或许信）因果的关系，但他做坏事时，心情必定会紧张不安，成天处于高度紧绷的状态，一有风吹草动心里就慌得很。套句俗语：“平时不做亏心事，哪怕夜里来敲门？” 心怀良善，自然问心无愧，得到的是真正的内心安宁和平静。一念善，一念恶。